I’ve always been good at shaking the proverbial pom-poms for other people (“Yeah! You can do it! You’ll be great!) but when it comes to myself, the shaking is nearly nonexistent. There may be a rare occasion where I will attempt to do something and I’m really excited about it, amped up and ready to go. I feel like I can go on with confidence and nobody, but nobody, can say anything to tell me that what I’m doing isn’t awesome. Then, I start the task, and all the confidence starts to vanish like a shadow in a dark room.
It all starts when I ask myself ‘why’. For example:
“I can do this!”
Why would you think otherwise?
“I don’t, thus why I said it.”
if you were that confident, you wouldn’t have said anything at all.
“It never hurts to pump yourself up.”
Right, because you don’t believe it, therefore you’re trying to make yourself believe it.
That is how a lot of the internal conversations begin, and they only get worse. Sometimes they vary, but the core is still the same.
Many years ago, probably when I was still in High School, I heard the line, “If you never succeed you’ll never have to worry about failing.” It went something like that anyway. This was suppose to be inspirational, encourage us to aspire to be always better than our last achievement. Somehow I think that missed the mark.
What if you succeed, and you can’t do any better? You never get any better than that one time. What if that time you succeeded was a fluke?
I always worry about how I stack up to someone else. They’re probably a better writer than I am. I must look like a zombie next to them. I look like a hobo compared to them. This one is my favorite – everyone will, see me, why can’t I look like them.
Self confidence. It doesn’t matter how many times a person tells me that I shouldn’t worry about the other people, that I look fine, these worries stick around. I know I need to not worry about what everyone else is doing, it’s not a race or a competition. All I can do is the best that I can do. I have to not care so much about trying to be like countless others.
It’s not easy, it is one of the things that I struggle with, however, through the trail, I still aim to chip away at my goals. I think that is what matters. That you keep going.